Have you ever seen a parent push a toy into a child's hands? The child looks at it, frowns, and throws it away. Clearly, they don't like it, but the parent is convinced that their child must play with exactly this toy: "But it's so beautiful, interesting, high-quality! I barely found it! It's very expensive!"… How terrible, isn't it! They bought it with such love, and the little person shows no interest in it whatsoever. If you were that adult, would you get angry? Probably. Well, maybe next time you won't buy them such a toy and you would take their preferences into account, swallowing the disappointment that your child is not you yourself! Perhaps…

It is precisely in such small situations that the construction of something much greater begins – the child's sense of what their own desires are and whether they have the right to them.

And the other path is quite dangerous. It can be a prerequisite for the development of a false personality – a personality that has lost its autonomy, uniqueness, and spontaneity. Because the mother's failures to integrate herself to the child's needs lead to a threat of destroying the small child's sense of their own Self. The child faces the question: is what I want truly good, and how can I be so bad for not liking Mum's gift? All of this provokes shame and fear of being themselves. The feeling that authenticity is not a reliable compass in the world is the reason they hide it and replace it with falseness. This falseness allows them to feel accepted and loved, but the price is enormous.

What is the False Self?

One of the most frightening outcomes for the child is for the falseness to become permanent. To hide the fear, shame, and guilt, they react through fragmentation (a psychological mechanism in which the psyche "splits" into parts in order to cope with difficult or painful experiences – for example, when the child cannot accept certain feelings or experiences, they separate them from themselves and create different "parts" of the personality), which means they divide into a False and a True Self, with the function of the false personality being to protect and conceal the true one. The child achieves this by adapting to the demands of others, and most of all to the mother. As a result, the little person transforms into the image that the mother and those around them hold of them. The False Self adapts "to the demands of others (first and foremost the mother) and loses touch with its own spontaneous needs and gestures. The child transforms into the image that the mother (and others) have of them." (Atanasov, 2002, p. 212). In other words, the False Self is the product of a failure of adaptation on the part of the environment.

The more insecure a child is in themselves and in their emotions, the greater the danger of being "seduced" into a false life becomes. This in turn prevents the individual from reaching maturity or can lead to "pseudo-maturity in a psychotic environment": "Successful seduction of this kind can create a false personality which appears satisfactory to the cursory observer... The false personality developed on the basis of compliance cannot reach the independence of maturity, except perhaps a pseudo-maturity in a psychotic environment." (Winnicott, 2008, p. 332).

Signs of the False Self in Adulthood

The False Self is a concept by Donald Winnicott that describes a state in which a person begins to live according to the expectations of those around them, rather than according to their own feelings, needs, and desires. It can manifest through:

excessive concern with others' opinions
difficulty making decisions
fear of disappointment and rejection
a sense of inner emptiness
the feeling of "living someone else's life"

The false personality is characterised by feelings of unreality and futility, both in the child and subsequently in the adult, and as a result of the lack of experiences the hidden true personality becomes impoverished. In the words of the renowned English paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott: "Only the True Self can be creative and only the True Self can feel real."

How Does Psychotherapy Help in Recovering the True Self?

The False Self is not a "mistake." It has often been a necessary protection. The problem arises when it becomes the only mode of existence.

Psychotherapy provides a space in which a person can gradually explore their true feelings and needs – without fear of judgment. Within a safe and supportive relationship, the restoration of the connection with the authentic Self begins.

This process includes:

• becoming aware of internal conflicts

• recognising automatic patterns of compliance

• building a more stable sense of identity

• developing the capacity to set boundaries

Gradually, a person begins to live not only according to the expectations of others, but in accordance with themselves.

Authenticity as the Foundation of Mental Health

When a parent allows the child not to like the toy, they give them more than the freedom of choice. They give them the right to their own inner world.

Authenticity does not mean rebellion or selfishness. It means the ability to recognise and respect our own experiences.

It is important to let our children be themselves, so that they can grow up as individuals who like themselves, trust their feelings, and feel stable in their inner world.

And when this process has been hindered, there is always the possibility of change. The path to the True Self can begin in adulthood as well – through awareness, personal work, and professional support.

Conclusion

The False Self is not a weakness or a personal failure. It is a mode of adaptation that has often helped the child maintain their connection with significant others. However, when this pattern remains active in adulthood, it can lead to a sense of inner emptiness, loss of identity, and a life governed by others' expectations.

Restoring the connection with the True Self is a process of gradually recognising one's own feelings, needs, and boundaries. It is precisely this capacity to be authentic, without fear of rejection, that lies at the foundation of mental health, stable self-esteem, and fulfilling relationships.

References

1. Atanasov, N. (2002). Theories of Psychic Development in Psychoanalysis. Sofia: Prof. Marin Drinov.

2. Winnicott, D. (2008). From Paediatrics to Psychoanalysis (translated into Bulgarian). Sofia: Centre for Psychosocial Support.

3. Winnicott, D. W. (2008). Playing and Reality. London: Routledge.

4. Brenner, Ch. (1993). Psychoanalysis. A Basic Course. Sofia: Open Society Foundation.