ЕМОУШЪНЪЛ КОНСУЛТ
From Small Steps to Big Hearts: A Child's Journey Toward Maturity and Confidence
There is a great deal of literature about child development and what happens at the various stages of growth. For example: at one year old a child can say a few words and tries to walk independently; at two, they use simple sentences and speak about themselves; at three, they separate fairly easily from their parents — and so on. But what is often missing from this literature? Emotional development — how the little person moves through these stages, what feelings they experience, and what we, as parents, can do to help them grow into a mature, confident, and well-rounded individual. A person who respects themselves and others, who is capable of building a harmonious family and raising a healthy, happy child.
You have probably come across plenty of dry, tedious literature on the subject — accurate, but heavy reading. Why struggle through dull texts? That is why we are sharing an excerpt from a dialogue between Robin Skinner — a group and family psychotherapist — and John Cleese, published in the book Families and How to Survive Them. This conversation offers a practical and accessible overview of the stages of a child's emotional development:
Robin: Think of life as a series of stages that we have to pass through. As we move through each stage, we learn certain lessons. It seems that we have to learn the lessons of one stage before we can move on to the next.
John: Give me an example of one of the earlier stages.
Robin: When we are very young, we all need constant, reliable love and care. In childhood, the mother usually takes on the most significant role.
John: And what follows from that?
Robin: If our mother was not able to provide adequate care, we ourselves do not learn how to care for others.
John: Really?
Robin: Yes. If we have not received enough kindness and affection, we will have nothing to pass on to others.
John: The use of the word "learn" seems rather unusual.
Robin: Most learning is not conscious. In childhood, learning is copying — a person is shaped by the example of others, primarily their parents. If you do not acquire certain knowledge, it will be difficult later to pass it on to others.
John: What is the next stage?
Robin: When we begin to develop independence and willpower, we need firm but benevolent authority and parental control. The father becomes especially important.
John: Which teaches us…?
Robin: Self-discipline. Without it, we cannot maintain a healthy relationship with authority. If we ever hold a position of power, we may swing between weakness and tyranny, if we did not receive proper guidance in childhood.
John: And if the parents exercised authority with love and firmness?
Robin: Then a person will know how to take counsel, make decisions, and change their position when necessary.
John: Give me an example of another stage.
Robin: Later on, we need brothers, sisters, or friends to learn how to share, deal with chaos, and stand up for ourselves. The "only" child, or the eldest without competition, often does not learn these lessons and encounters difficulties later in life.
John: I am an only child and I have unresolved experiences from this stage. I was bullied at secondary school and I did not know how to relate to others.
Robin: So you did learn those lessons, albeit later. Then comes the stage of contact with the opposite sex. Children deprived of this may feel insecure in their relationships as adults.
John: This conversation is becoming autobiographical. I attended boarding schools and discovered that "girls come from a different galaxy".
Robin: Lack of contact with the opposite sex during adolescence can give rise to unrealistic expectations. The next stage is independence from parents and building a social circle of peers. If this is missing, people cling to their parents and find it difficult to form genuine relationships.
John: So the lessons must be learned at each stage. But what if you miss something?
Robin: It is not fatal. You can go through the stage later and learn the lessons by seeking substitutes or support from other significant people in your life.
Recall your own fears and difficulties from childhood, dear parents. Raising a child is not easy, but it is a beautiful experience — one that brings you back to adventures with Winnie-the-Pooh, Pippi, and Karlsson, to a childlike joy for life and eagerness for the next exciting day. Do not underestimate your children's difficulties — what seems trivial to an adult may be an enormous emotional lesson for a child. Attention, understanding, and emotional support are the foundation for the development of a successful, confident, and well-rounded person.
References
Skinner, R., & Cleese, J. (2006). Семейството и как да оцелеем в него. Sofia, Bulgaria: Ciela.
Piaget, J. (1952). The origins of intelligence in children. New York, NY: International Universities Press.
Erikson, E. H. (1963). Childhood and society. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.