A mother doesn't have to be perfect – good enough is enough

Many parents worry whether they need to be "perfect" to ensure their child's psychological health. Research shows that it is not the ideal mother, but the good enough mother who is the key to raising emotionally stable and psychologically healthy children.

Which mother is a good enough mother?

A mother is "good enough" when she cares for her child with attention, love and understanding, without demanding perfection of herself. Her mistakes are not only inevitable, but useful: they allow the baby to encounter reality gradually, develop resilience, and learn to adapt.

Holding

"An important aspect of the good enough mother is her 'holding behaviour' (Atanasov, 2002, p. 209), which gives a sense of security. Failure to provide the continuous support that is part of maternal care leads to anxiety in the child: 'An infant is capable of being terrified as a result of a failure in something that is in a quite different area, i.e. in infant care.' (Winnicott, 2008, p. 175)."

(Atanasov, 2002, p. 209; Winnicott, 2008, p. 175)

Containing

Here Bion's idea of "containing" also comes into play — the mother acts as an emotional "container" for the child's feelings, receiving, processing and regulating their anxieties, fears and emotions.

• Receiving the child's feelings, even when they are difficult.
• Providing a stable environment that maintains safety and trust.
• Allowing the child to get to know reality gradually, without excessive protection.

What happens when the mother is not "good enough"?

Failure in personality integration: the baby fails to join the parts of themselves into a whole image, and primary feelings of insecurity and fear emerge.

Disintegration and paranoid potential: lack of understanding and support lead to fear and the potential for psychotic manifestations.

Dissociations: the child may not recognise themselves across different emotional states.

False Self: a deficient environment can lead to the formation of a defensive False Self that masks the True Self.

Risks of mental illness: delays and disturbances in the early stages of growth can lead to psychotic manifestations.

Conclusion

The ideal mother does not exist — but the good enough mother, who provides love, understanding and contains the child's emotions, is the foundation of psychological health and emotional resilience.

"The mental activity of the infant turns a good enough environment into a perfect environment… What releases the mother from the need to be near-perfect is the infant's understanding."

(Winnicott, 2008, p. 356)

References

1. Atanasov, N. (2002). Theories of psychic development in psychoanalysis. Sofia: Prof. Marin Drinov.
2. Bion, W. R. (1962). Learning from experience. London: Heinemann.
3. Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. London: Hogarth Press.
4. Winnicott, D. W. (2008). From Paediatrics to Psychoanalysis. Sofia: Centre for Psychosocial Support.
5. Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Playing and reality. London: Tavistock.