Why Do We Feel Lonely Among People?

Sometimes loneliness doesn't come when we are alone. We can be surrounded by people and feel empty. And we can be alone — and sense a silence that is peaceful and meaningful. This distinction marks the difference between loneliness as a deficit and the capacity to be alone — as an achievement of psychological development. As Donald W. Winnicott emphasises in "The Capacity to Be Alone", it is grounded in the early experience of being alone in the presence of another.

Loneliness as an Inner Experience

Loneliness is a subjective state connected to an absence of inner stability. In this case, solitude is experienced as anxiety, emptiness, or psychological instability, and the person feels abandoned even among others. When psychological stability is present, this same solitude can become a space for thought, creativity, and psychological restoration.

Origins: The Early Relationship

At the foundation of this capacity lies the early relationship between the child and their caregiver. Through the experience of stable, unobtrusive presence, the child builds security and, gradually, the capacity to be alone without feeling abandoned.

The key moment is the experience of being alone while the other is "there" — available, but not intrusive. In this way, an inner sense of "the other" is formed, making solitude possible without a sense of loss.

Deficits and Consequences

When the early environment is unstable or inconsistent, this capacity may remain undeveloped. Loneliness is then experienced as threatening, connected to emptiness and inner instability.

A Psychotherapeutic Perspective

Psychotherapy creates conditions for the restoration of this capacity. In the presence of the therapist as a stable, unobtrusive "other", the patient once again develops the capacity to be alone without feeling abandoned.

Conclusion

The capacity to be alone does not mean isolation, but inner autonomy. It enables connection with others without dependence on their constant presence.

Being Alone — Without Being Lonely

Being able to be alone means being able to be peacefully with oneself. It does not mean having no need for others, but not losing oneself when they are absent.

References

1. Winnicott, D. W. (1958). The capacity to be alone. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 416–420.
2. Winnicott, D. W. (1999). Playing and Reality. Lik.
3. Winnicott, D. W. (2018). The maturational processes and the facilitating environment. Routledge.
4. Casement, P. (1999). Learning from the Patient. Lik.