Why Do We Feel Lonely Among People?

Sometimes loneliness does not come when we are alone. We can be among people and feel empty. And we can be alone – and sense a silence that is calm and meaningful. This distinction outlines the difference between loneliness as a deficit and the capacity to be alone – a state in which one does not feel abandoned – as an achievement of psychological development.

The capacity to be alone represents an inner foundation – a stable sense of self that allows contact with one's own experiences without anxiety about abandonment or disintegration. As Donald W. Winnicott emphasizes in The Capacity to Be Alone, it is grounded in the early experience of being alone in the presence of another.

For this reason, loneliness cannot be explained solely by the absence of social contacts. Some people experience deep loneliness despite an active social life, a family, or a partner relationship. This shows that the sense of connection depends not only on the presence of others, but also on the capacity to experience oneself as whole and stable from within.

What Is Loneliness?

Loneliness is a subjective state associated with a lack of inner stability. In this case, solitude is experienced as anxiety, emptiness, or psychological instability (disintegration), and a person feels abandoned even among others. When psychological stability is present, that same solitude can become a space for thinking, creativity, and psychological restoration.

How Does the Capacity to Be Alone Develop?

At the core of this capacity lies the early relationship between the child and their caregiver. The infant does not exist in isolation, but within a relationship that shapes the way the inner world is constructed. Through the experience of a stable, non-intrusive presence, the child builds security, and gradually the capacity to be alone without feeling abandoned.

The key moment is the experience of being alone while the other is "there" – available but non-intrusive. This allows spontaneous experiences to be felt as one's own and to be integrated into the inner world. In this way, an inner sense of the "other" is formed, which makes solitude possible without a sense of loss.

The Role of the Early Relationship with the Caregiver

When the early environment is unstable or inconsistent, this capacity may remain undeveloped. Loneliness is then experienced as threatening, associated with emptiness and inner instability. The need for constant external stimulation often serves as a defense against this experience.

Being Alone in the Presence of the Other

Psychotherapy creates conditions for restoring this capacity. At first, silence may feel tense, but it gradually becomes tolerable. In the presence of the therapist as a stable, non-intrusive "other," the patient redevelops the capacity to be alone without feeling abandoned.

Conclusion

The capacity to be alone does not mean isolation, but inner autonomy. It allows connection with others without dependence on their constant presence. To be alone means to remain with oneself calmly – a state of inner stability in which the absence of others does not lead to a loss of self.

In today's world, where constant connectivity through technology often creates an illusion of closeness, the question of loneliness takes on particular relevance. It is possible for a person to be continuously surrounded by information and contacts, yet still experience inner isolation. This is precisely why the capacity to be alone remains an important indicator of emotional maturity and psychological resilience.

To Be Alone – Without Being Lonely

To be able to be alone means to be able to be with yourself calmly.
It does not mean having no need for others, but not losing yourself when they are absent.

References

Winnicott, D. W. (1958). The capacity to be alone. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 416–420.

Winnicott, D. W. (1999). Игра и реалност. Лик.

Winnicott, D. W. (2018). The maturational processes and the facilitating environment. Routledge.

Кейсмънт, П. (1999). Да се учим от пациента. Лик.